How To Survive Oktoberfest:
1. Buy a hotel in advance.
If you do not, it will cost you a ridiculous amount of money. The best way to do this is to reserve your hotel room for 2 people. Then find as many friends as you can to share the room with. This usually works out, fortunately for you, but unfortunately for the hotel. It is very sketchy, but I am proof that it can be done. The price of what is normally a $100 a night room can be divided between friends. We squeezed 8 into a 2 person room for 3 nights, everyone paying an equal $98 for all three nights. Plus, you want to save the money on sleeping since you rarely sleep anyways this weekend and you need extra cash to purchase that super expensive drindl.
2. Buy a drindl
It is worth it, I promise. You will arrive in Munich and see a ton of people wearing them and think to yourself, "Damn, everyone looks 10 times hotter in a drindl." Then you will walk into a store and check out the prices and think to yourself, "No way will I spend $100 on a costume". Then you will try it on for shits and giggles and realize it even has a way of making you look 10 times better. Your mind will be made up in that split second and all regard for money will be lost. The other cute German girls in the store will also convince you that simply buying the dress part is not enough, and will even disgrace the outfit. Therefore, you must also purchase the apron part as well. Go for the cheapest apron, because honestly no one cares about that piece. It's all about the chest area. Make sure to buy it a little tight as well. It will look better up top and will prevent you from consuming massive amounts of beer and food for fear that your dress will pop open at any moment. It's the way to go, I promise.
And later, when the doubt starts to set in you need to rationalize this decision, which seems like a poor one at the moment. But remember these things:
-when in Germany, do as the Germans do
-now you have a Halloween costume for the next 10 years
-you saved money by squeezing too many people in one hotel room
-the foreign boys will be more impressed with you
-you will look hot
-people without drindls will be insanely jealous
-everyone wants a picture with a girl in a drindl
-YOLO
Random germans
3. Wake up early.
Get in line for the tents relatively early. Especially on weekends. It gets crazy and the lines can suck. Your goal should be to get there by 9 and be drunk by 10. That's the only way to do it right. Showing up later would be a mistake. You'd be sober and feel like you needed to play catch up with the other thousand people in the tent. And we all know that catch up leads to nothing good.
4. Start off in Hofbrau tent
Here you will find every person you know at Oktoberfest, and more. Being American makes it very difficult to communicate with others abroad, especially without wifi, which is non-existent basically everywhere. Go to Hofbrau where you will run into every one from your college, high school, church, kindergarten... It's a reunion. Then decide you'd rather hang out with people you already know anyways instead of meeting new foreign people, and stay in the American Hofbrau tent for the entire day. Plus, you know the second you leave you will never find another soul that you know and will probably end up passed out on the hill outside anyways. It's just better to stay inside and drink until you can't stay awake any longer, or until you get kicked out by the crazy security. There is even a small chance of wandering around and meeting some good looking boys from Switzerland and taking awesome pictures with them in their lederhosens.
5. Wear a diaper.
If I could redo Oktoberfest, I'd invest in some diapers. The bathroom line is also terrible, any time of the day. It is not easily avoided due to the excessive consumptions of beer. Therefore, if you do not have a diaper, be prepared to aggressivly elbow your way through the crowd. The best tactic: appear innocent, but be the pusher. Others will respect you and you will eventually make your way through. Those who are passive do not stand a chance. Also, be friendly with the security guard with the whistle. He is not afraid to blow it in your face, so either flirt with him or stay away. Sometimes you can get lucky and he will help you to the front. Once inside the actual bathroom, find papertowel before entering the stall. Usually you can find some on the table in front that is covered with people's beer mugs. Don't be the girl who brings her beer to the bathroom. That's gross.
6. Don't mess with security.
I mean this. They are intense. It seems that Munich hired the most hardcore, ex-military men they could find to keep order at Oktoberfest. They are not afraid to put you in a headlock if need me. I witnessed a guy throwing up, security came over to him, slapped him, and yelled in his face to leave. Also, trying to dance on the tables is risky. They will find you and slap your legs until you get down. Alexandra personally experienced this, unfortunately. Trying to sneak out a mug pass these men is also risky. Beware, if you get caught you are going down. I regret not attempting though. So my advice would be to grow a pair and sneak out a mug. Just whatever you do, DON'T GET CAUGHT.
7. Befriend the drunk finland/ viking man.
He will be your favorite part of Oktoberfest. Find the man with the longest hair, in a ponytail, and the longest redish beard, that is obviously braided. Make sure he is big, and loud and drunk. If you sit next to him beware. He does not accept sleeping at Oktoberfest, drinking water, or complaining about beer. He will become very aggressive if you make him angry. As long as you keep drinking and do what he says, you will become his best friend. Yawning will trigger him to launch his finger into your mouth, so don't do it. Also, if he really likes you (like he did me) he will help you order your food in German. The pork leg was fantastic, thanks to his recommendation. Also, he may invite you to Finland to sauna with him or his wife and he will feed you beers. If you play his game right, you will have an awesome cultural experience with this man who appears to have come from the Lord of the Rings.
8. Eat.
You need something to absorb the alcohol, plus trying German food is an important part of the experience. Definitely order the Kase Spatzle (aka mac n cheese). You will love it. The chicken is fantastic and so was the previously mentioned pork leg. Stay away from the rubbery mashed potatoes. Also, don't eat too much. It is important to help endure the entire day, but too much can lead to throwing up, spending too much money, and getting fat.
9. Do what you want!
This weekend is going to be one the best weekends of your life. Do what you want and make the most of every second. It's possible you may forget some parts of the weekend, but make as many memories as you can. Spend all your money, meet people from every country, drink until you throw up or pass out, ride the rollercoaster black out, dance on tables, do everything. Don't have any regrets when you leave. Because honestly, you probably won't make it back.
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